Ten Tips on Coping with Pet Loss
by Moira Anderson Allen, M.Ed.
Anyone who considers a pet a beloved friend, companion,
or family member knows the intense pain that accompanies
the loss of that friend. Following are some tips on coping
with that grief, and with the difficult decisions one
faces upon the loss of a pet.
1. Am I crazy to hurt so much?
Intense grief over the loss of a pet is normal and natural.
Don't let anyone tell you that it's silly, crazy, or
overly sentimental to grieve!
During the years you spent with your pet (even if they
were few), it became a significant and constant part
of your life. It was a source of comfort and companionship,
of unconditional love and acceptance, of fun and joy.
So don't be surprised if you feel devastated by the loss
of such a relationship.
People who don't understand the pet/owner bond may not
understand your pain. All that matters, however, is how
you feel. Don't let others dictate your feelings: They
are valid, and may be extremely painful. But remember,
you are not alone: Thousands of pet owners have gone
through the same feelings.
2. What Can I Expect to Feel?
Different people experience grief in different ways.
Besides your sorrow and loss, you may also experience
the following emotions:
- Guilt may
occur if you feel responsible for your pet's death-the "if only I had been more
careful" syndrome. It is pointless and often erroneous
to burden yourself with guilt for the accident or illness
that claimed your pet's life, and only makes it more
difficult to resolve your grief.
- Denial makes
it difficult to accept that your pet is really gone.
It's hard to imagine that your pet won't greet you
when you come home, or that it doesn't need its evening
meal. Some pet owners carry this to extremes, and
fear their pet is still alive and suffering somewhere.
Others find it hard to get a new pet for fear of
being "disloyal" to
the old.
- Anger may
be directed at the illness that killed your pet,
the driver of the speeding car, the veterinarian
who "failed" to save its
life. Sometimes it is justified, but when carried to
extremes, it distracts you from the important task
of resolving your grief.
- Depression is a natural consequence
of grief, but can leave you powerless to cope with
your feelings. Extreme depression robs you of motivation
and energy, causing you to dwell upon your sorrow.
3. What can I do about my feelings?
The most important step you can take is to be honest
about your feelings. Don't deny your pain, or your feelings
of anger and guilt. Only by examining and coming to terms
with your feelings can you begin to work through them.
You have a right to feel pain and grief! Someone you
loved has died, and you feel alone and bereaved. You
have a right to feel anger and guilt, as well. Acknowledge
your feelings first, then ask yourself whether the circumstances
actually justify them.
Locking away grief doesn't make it go away. Express it.
Cry, scream, pound the floor, talk it out. Do what helps
you the most. Don't try to avoid grief by not thinking
about your pet; instead, reminisce about the good times.
This will help you understand what your pet's loss actually
means to you.
Some find it helpful to express their feelings and memories
in poems, stories, or letters to the pet. Other strategies
including rearranging your schedule to fill in the times
you would have spent with your pet; preparing a memorial
such as a photo collage; and talking to others about
your loss.
4. Who can I talk to?
If your family or friends love pets, they'll understand
what you're going through. Don't hide your feelings in
a misguided effort to appear strong and calm! Working
through your feelings with another person is one of the
best ways to put them in perspective and find ways to
handle them. Find someone you can talk to about how much
the pet meant to you and how much you miss it-someone
you feel comfortable crying and grieving with.
If you don't have family or friends who understand, or
if you need more help, ask your veterinarian or humane
association to recommend a pet loss counselor or support
group. Check with your church or hospital for grief counseling.
Remember, your grief is genuine and deserving of support.
5. When is the right time to euthanize a pet?
Your veterinarian is the best judge of your pet's physical
condition; however, you are the best judge of the quality
of your pet's daily life. If a pet has a good appetite,
responds to attention, seeks its owner's company, and
participates in play or family life, many owners feel
that this is not the time. However, if a pet is in constant
pain, undergoing difficult and stressful treatments that
aren't helping greatly, unresponsive to affection, unaware
of its surroundings, and uninterested in life, a caring
pet owner will probably choose to end the beloved companion's
suffering.
Evaluate your pet's health honestly and unselfishly with
your veterinarian. Prolonging a pet's suffering in order
to prevent your own ultimately helps neither of you.
Nothing can make this decision an easy or painless one,
but it is truly the final act of love that you can make
for your pet.
6. Should I stay during euthanasia?
Many feel this is the ultimate gesture of love and comfort
you can offer your pet. Some feel relief and comfort
themselves by staying: They were able to see that their
pet passed peacefully and without pain, and that it was
truly gone. For many, not witnessing the death (and not
seeing the body) makes it more difficult to accept that
the pet is really gone. However, this can be traumatic,
and you must ask yourself honestly whether you will be
able to handle it. Uncontrolled emotions and tears-though
natural-are likely to upset your pet.
Some clinics are more open than others to allowing the
owner to stay during euthanasia. Some veterinarians are
also willing to euthanize a pet at home. Others have
come to an owner's car to administer the injection. Again,
consider what will be least traumatic for you and your
pet, and discuss your desires and concerns with your
veterinarian. If your clinic is not able to accommodate
your wishes, request a referral.
7. What do I do next?
When a pet dies, you must choose how to handle its remains.
Sometimes, in the midst of grief, it may seem easiest
to leave the pet at the clinic for disposal. Check with
your clinic to find out whether there is a fee for such
disposal. Some shelters also accept such remains, though
many charge a fee for disposal.
If you prefer a more formal option, several are available.
Home burial is a popular choice, if you have sufficient
property for it. It is economical and enables you to
design your own funeral ceremony at little cost. However,
city regulations usually prohibit pet burials, and this
is not a good choice for renters or people who move frequently.
To many, a pet cemetery provides a sense of dignity,
security, and permanence. Owners appreciate the serene
surroundings and care of the gravesite. Cemetery costs
vary depending on the services you select, as well as
upon the type of pet you have. Cremation is a less expensive
option that allows you to handle your pet's remains in
a variety of ways: bury them (even in the city), scatter
them in a favorite location, place them in a columbarium,
or even keep them with you in a decorative urn (of which
a wide variety are available).
Check with your veterinarian, pet shop, or phone directory
for options available in your area. Consider your living
situation, personal and religious values, finances, and
future plans when making your decision. It's also wise
to make such plans in advance, rather than hurriedly
in the midst of grief.
8. What should I tell my children?
You are the best judge of how much information your
children can handle about death and the loss of their
pet. Don't underestimate them, however. You may find
that, by being honest with them about your pet's loss,
you may be able to address some fears and misperceptions
they have about death.
Honesty is important. If you say the pet was "put
to sleep," make sure your children understand the
difference between death and ordinary sleep. Never say
the pet "went away," or your child may wonder
what he or she did to make it leave, and wait in anguish
for its return. That also makes it harder for a child
to accept a new pet. Make it clear that the pet will
not come back, but that it is happy and free of pain.
Never assume a child is too young or too old to grieve.
Never criticize a child for tears, or tell them to "be
strong" or not to feel sad. Be honest about your
own sorrow; don't try to hide it, or children may feel
required to hide their grief as well. Discuss the issue
with the entire family, and give everyone a chance to
work through their grief at their own pace.
9. Will my other pets grieve?
Pets observe every change in a household, and are bound
to notice the absence of a companion. Pets often form
strong attachments to one another, and the survivor of
such a pair may seem to grieve for its companion. Cats
grieve for dogs, and dogs for cats.
You may need to give your surviving pets a lot of extra
attention and love to help them through this period.
Remember that, if you are going to introduce a new pet,
your surviving pets may not accept the newcomer right
away, but new bonds will grow in time. Meanwhile, the
love of your surviving pets can be wonderfully healing
for your own grief.
10. Should I get a new pet right away?
Generally, the answer is no.
One needs time to work through grief and loss before
attempting to build a relationship with a new pet.
If your emotions are still in turmoil, you may resent
a new pet for trying to "take the
place" of the old-for what you really want is your
old pet back. Children in particular may feel that loving
a new pet is "disloyal" to the previous pet.
When you do get a new pet, avoid getting a "lookalike" pet,
which makes comparisons all the more likely. Don't expect
your new pet to be "just like" the one you
lost, but allow it to develop its own personality. Never
give a new pet the same name or nickname as the old.
Avoid the temptation to compare the new pet to the old
one: It can be hard to remember that your beloved companion
also caused a few problems when it was young!
A new pet should be acquired because you are ready to
move forward and build a new relationship-rather than
looking backward and mourning your loss. When you are
ready, select an animal with whom you can build another
long, loving relationship-because this is what having
a pet is all about!
